I'll Hold You In my Heart Until I Hold You In Heaven

Today marks the anniversary of my husband and I loosing our twin babies. I honestly contemplated posting this part about my life because it’s so personal and I am still healing and trusting God without understanding why. It’s been two years and I woke up this morning feeling the pain of it all like it just happened. My husband wrote me a message honoring today and this is what I wrote back to him. No words can bring healing for a moment like this, but what I’m hoping for is that you feel a little less alone when you read this. We are a strong and beautiful community.

I was a mother of three once without knowing it. Didn’t know there was two of you until it was too late. Pregnant! That’s what the stick said, I wrestled with the thought of being a mom to more than just one child, I felt like I wasn’t capable to care for two children but God knew different. He planted two seeds for me to grow. He saw a blessing so great I could not imagine. The fear left and I started to enjoy creating a life. I looked forward to meeting you, smelling you, kissing you and sharing every moment with you. We prayed for you, we sang to you. Then it all came to an end. I was a mother to three and never got to hold two of them. I was angry, I was depressed, WHY God. What did I do? What did I say? Was I not worthy? I felt alone, in the quiet I heard “You are worthy daughter, you are strong daughter, What is done is good.” You will see. I didn’t believe it, I didn’t want to, what goodness can come from my emptiness. But I did see goodness. I saw my marriage take heartbreak like never before and create a new bond and gratitude form from it, we started to hold each other closer and longer. I saw my son learn concern and sympathy and I saw him fight through heartbreak of losing his siblings. Was I worthy? Yes. I was worthy enough to make two angels. I am a mother of one child and two angels.

"HOW VERY QUIETLY YOU TIPTOED INTO OUR WORLD, SILENTLY, ONLY A MOMENT YOU STAYED. BUT WHAT AN IMPRINT YOUR FOOTPRINTS HAVE LEFT UPON OUR HEARTS." -UNKNOWN

"AN ANGEL IN THE BOOK OF LIFE WROTE DOWN MY BABY'S BIRTH. THEN WHISPERED AS SHE CLOSED THE BOOK 'TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR EARTH'." -UNKNOWN

 

A LITTLE WORSHIP NEVER HURT

THIS WAS THE FIRST SONG I HEARD AFTER LEAVING THE HOSPITAL. IT CAME ON JUST WHEN I WAS TALKING TO GOD FILLED WITH ANGER AND DISTRUST. IT ALLOWED ME TO STOP FOR A MOMENT AND BELIEVE THERE MUST BE A REASON. THERES BLESSINGS IN DISGUISE EVERYWHERE AROUND US AND WHEN WE ARE QUIET ENOUGH AND BROKEN ENOUGH GOD WILL SHOW US. IT MAY TAKE TIME AND PRAYER BUT THERE IS HEALING TO BE FOUND IN A SONG THAT SPEAKS FROM YOUR PAIN.